Ways to piss off the Harry Potter Crew
by Cassandrawrrr
Summary: Ok, I started out doing Voldie for a friend, and I'll probably continue with more.
1. Voldie

_Ways to piss off Voldemort_

_By a lonely house elf_

_Steal his red contacts._

_Krazy glue a Mohawk to his head. A pink one._

_Spray tan him while he's sleeping and make sure his palms are bright orange._

_Set him up on a blind date with Umbridge._

_Send him a howler than when opened (or ignored) says "Avada Kedavra"_

_Make a life-size cut-out of Dumbledore and place it next to his bed so it's the first thing he sees when he wakes up._

_Put a picture of Harry Potter in Slytherin's Locket._

_Transfigure one of his horcruxes into a head of lettuce and feed it to a flobberworm._

_Give him Leprechaun gold for his birthday and tell him not to spend it all in one place. When it disappears, tell him that you told him so._

_Slip love potion into his tea that makes him fall madly in love with Draco Malfoy._

_Leave a box of chocolates from a "secret admirer" on his pillow. Make sure the box is pink with lots of lace a sequins._

_Tell him, in Parseltongue, that he greatly resembles a basilisk._

_Transfigure him into a small dog and give him to Paris Hilton._

_Tell him he's going to a "We hate Harry Potter" convention in Chicago, and sign him up for an Oprah episode about abusive, controlling people and how to deal with them._

_When he's feeling grumpy, give him a Midol._

_Sign him up for a L'Oreal commercial, because he's worth it._

_Ask him if the reason behind the obsession with Harry Potter is because he has a secret crush on him. Promise to keep it a secret._

_Call him Lord Moldyshorts._

_Make him a myspace page having Harry Potter as his top friend, and photoshop pictures of him worshipping an HP shrine._

_Ask him if he got the no-nose idea from Michael Jackson. Then ask him if he is going to start "sharing beds" with the children of Death Eaters._

_At a DE meeting, place a large poster of him and, with a laser pointer, go over every detail of him._

_Ask why he can't kill a teenage boy, even though he's not protected by love anymore._

_Ask why he has to be so dramatic all of the time._

_Send him to anger management classes._

_When he says he's the best, remind him that he's only third best. Pull out a picture of Harry and Dumbledore and stroke it fondly._

_Fart very loudly and tell him that he is lucky for not having a nose, because it really smells._

_Tell him that Malfoy insists on being called Lucy and is going to refer to The Dark Lord as Ricky Retardo._

_When he storms out of a room, make sure to put your foot in front of his legs. When he's on the floor, smile and ask him what he's doing down there._

_When he sets out to kill someone, hum the theme for the Wicked Witch of the West._

_Sit in his armchair and place pictures of Hogwarts alumni that have succeeded on every nearby table. Tell him you put them there to remind him how he's done. Make sure the biggest portrait is of Dumbledore laughing._

_Glue hair all over his robes, and when he puts them on, insist he's been drinking Polyjuice Potion with cat hair in it and pet him gently saying "Pretty Kitty!"_

_Run around in a Death eater mask saying "Tom, I am your fathah!"_

_Invite a group of young muggle children to the mansion and tell them "fictional" stories about how Voldie has failed to kill the great and powerful Harry Potter. Make sure it's at the same time as a DE meeting._

_Replace his wand with one of Fred and George's trick ones. Make him mad and when he tries to do the killing curse and a rubber chicken appears in his hand, laugh hysterically._

_When the Death Eaters are plotting against Harry Potter, hum the Mission Impossible theme._

_Fly around the room on a broom autographed by Harry Potter and sing "I believe I can fly! I'm about to be killed by a crazy guy!"_

_In the middle of a DE meeting, Interrupt very loudly to tell him that his Harry called and said he would love to record Teletubbies for him._

_Order a lot of gay porn, dildos, and things like that. Walk in on the next DE dinner, dump it all on the table, and tell him that you've maxed out all of your credit cards buying the shit for him!_

_Buy him a brand new cane and tell him that vertical stripes are very slimming._

_Buy him a very big fur coat, fur hat, and pimp cane, then go around blasting hip-hop while telling him to "smack a hoe"_

_Ask him a very simple question such as "What color is that chair?" And every time he answers ask "Why"._

_Cover yourself in an invisibility cloak and walk into his office. Start knocking everything off the shelves, breaking as much as you can, and whisper "whoooooooo" when you get close to him._

_Walk around his office while he's pacing and smack his butt. Ask him if he likes it. Keep doing it, regardless of the answer, and after a while tell him that he'd better like it or you'll go Crucio on his ass!_

_Run through the streets screaming "He's going to kill me!" When he drags you back inside the house, ask him why he didn't ask if you were okay. When he does, say "You're trying to kill me, what do you think?"_

_Knit him a scarf with the initials HJP on it and insist that he wear it as often as possible._

_Whenever out in public with him, scream, and jump on his back, saying "I missed you, Mommy!"_

_As DEs are leaving a meeting, make sure to send them off with complimentary pictures of Tommy with his very first diaper rash. Make sure to point out the boils around his "You-know-what" and say that he has very sensitive skin._

_During a meeting, run and scream "Honey! It's time to take your yeast infection pill!"_

_Follow him around with tampons saying "I will not keep washing your bloody underwear!" whenever a Death Eater is around._

_At a DE dinner, tell him that his daughter called and wanted to know if you are still taking her to the zoo on Saturday. When the Death Eaters ask if he has a daughter say "Well, Harry was having a little trouble with impregnating him, so they had to adopt a 12 year old girl from muggle China. He's a very good father. Always taking her to the ballet, giving her the talk…."_

_Sit in his lap at the dinner table and "accidentally" get in the way of his eating._

_Ask him why he doesn't have a cool scar._

_On Monday, wake him up my singing the song by the Mamas and the Papas. Tuesday, I'm walking on sunshine, Wednesday, I've got you, Babe, and so on._

_Constantly chew bubble gum with your mouth wide open, and sing about how beautiful cows look when they're grazing._

_Say "Like taking candy from a baby" whenever something is easy, then follow by saying "Of course SOME might find that a little harder than others." and look directly at him._

_Play Ding-Dong-Ditch on his door late at night, and when he comes to find out who did it, snore extremely loudly._

_Call him "The-man-who-let-the-boy-live"_

_Insist that you've met chunks of cheese with plans more cunning than his._

_When he calls you to his lair, sing "I'm off to see the Wizard, the wizard who can't kill a toddler!"_

_Insist that his new lair should be the basement of the nearest Wal-Mart._

_Pinch him, and when he asks why you did it, tell him you thought you were dreaming. Then tell him it can't be a dream if Harry Potter's not giving you chocolate._

_Glue caterpillars to his face while he's sleeping._

_Be cheerful._

_Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like "It's your funeral."_

_Tease him about his middle name. "Marvolo? What is that? A washing detergent?"_

_Greet him in the mornings with a "My, Sir. You look particularly menacing today." And make sure you have a huge grin on your face._

_Keep a good behavior chart. When he's good, give him stars, and when he's good for a week, give him a badge saying "I'm shooting for the stars!"_

_Color with permanent marker Potter-Style glasses on his face while he's sleeping._

_Apparate in and out of a room repeatedly for hours, laughing maniacally. Then when he tells you to stop, look at him blankly and ask "Stop what?"_

_Set off Party Poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes._

_When he's in the midst of plotting a very important plan, whisper "Did you ever have a girlfriend? Like ever?"_

_Get finger puppets resembling himself and Harry Potter, and re-enact all of his losses, makign sure to give them both extremely squeaky voices._

_Sing "Doncha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me?" Then laugh and say "Oh wait, YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!"_

_Ask him to give you all his revenge plans before actually doing them. When he says no, take them anyway and correct his spelling._

_Make him watch "The Music Man." And when he begs for it to stop, put on Mr. Rogers._

_When he's having plan-block, levitate a light bulb above his head and smile sheepishly._

_Buy him a stress ball with Harry potter's face on it._

_Put lavender scented soap on his pillow before he goes to bed._

_Give him a purse filled with Chiclets._

_When he laughs maniacally, offer him a tic tac._

_Whack him in the eye and say "Mosquito"_

_Start roasting Nagini, and offer him some._

_Imperio the Death Eaters into a chorus of "Do you believe in magic?"_

_Throw him a Care-Bears birthday party._

_Dress up for Halloween as a "Dumblebee"._

_Use cutesy phrases like "Pushing up daisies" and "smooth as a baby's bottom" as often as possible._

_Ask "Are you sure the evil-guy-out-for-revenge-against-the-whole-world thing isn't getting old?" And then run…._

_Get him to play scrabble with you and insist "xyqzf" is a word._

_Remind him that, according to the Ministry, he isn't actually alive._

_Write him a theme song and sing it very loudly and off-key whenever he's about to do anything._

_Read him bedtime stories. "The Ugly Duckling" being the most read._

_Turn his closet into a Ginny Weasley shrine and insist that it will help him get closer to the mind of Harry._

_Write a story about a super hero (Hairy Potty) defeating the evil villain Moldyshorts, and then laugh about how he still loses, even to a toilet._

_Sign him up for Little League. Make sure he's on the team with the brightest color jersey._

_Throw biscuits at him constantly and yell "Food fight!"_

_Imperio him into completely finishing the New York Times crossword puzzle every morning in at most five minutes._

_Tell people that all he needs is a really big hug, then give him a nice, good cuddle to prove your point._

_Bring out a big banjo at Death Eater meetings and start singing Kumbayah._

_Sew sequins and lace on his robes and coat them with glitter._

_Be alive._


	2. Snapeward

Ways to piss off Severus Snape

By a lonely house elf

Charm a bottle of shampoo to follow him around shouting "Use me!"

Charm his hair to scream "Wash me!" into his ears.

Cut off all of his hair and tape it over his eyes in a sunglasses shape. When he wakes up in the morning, tell him he has "nice shades".

Style his hair in an Elvis fashion, telling him he had to put the greasy texture to good use.

Make him laugh and ask why his nose doesn't deflate when he does. When he asks why, tell him you thought he was "Snapeward".

Ask him "How long did you have to soak in a vat of lard to get that greasy?"

Give him a diamond encrusted gold watch that says "Honeybuns" on the back.

Glue a galleon to the inside of his pants (At the crotch) and throw a Niffler at him.

Walk into an OOTP meeting and announce loudly "Hey, Snapeward, Voldie wants you to practice your Avada Kedavra because it's getting weak and he wants you to be ready for when they storm the castle." Make sure you have a very innocent face.

Train Inferi to march around him. Grimace and say "I see dead people."

Ask him for private Occlumency lessons. When he finally complies, scream "Ah! He's trying to Crucio me!" Run all the way to Dumbledore's office screaming and when Dumbledore ask if you're ok, say "No, I've just been Crucio'd. Don't you listen?"

Dive into his pensieve and don't come out until you find the memory of James lifting him in the air by his ankles.

Pat him on the head and say "Good boy." Then wipe your hand on his robes to get off the grease. When you realize his robes are just as greasy, demand he get you some toilet paper from the ladies lavatory.

Tell him that Voldemort wants you to tell him something extremely important, and build up for a while. Then tell him you forgot. Once you "remember", set up the big opening again, this time longer and say "Voldemort wants me to tell you that he says!" Pause dramatically "Hi…."

Ask him what would happen if he pointed the pretty green jets of light at himself. When he doesn't answer, insist that he try it.

Remind him of what Neville showed the entire DADA class in his third year.

Record yourself remaking the famous risky business scene (Sliding down the hall wearing blouse, underwear, sunglasses, using broom as guitar), and photoshop it to have his head. Put it on youtube.

Ask him if his mummy ever hugged him. Don't take yes for an answer.

Make him a Livejournal account. Tell him he needs to update because he has lots of loyal followers.

Send him letters saying Voldemort wants to meet him in the Room of Requirement. Do it for 7 days in a row. At the end of the week, scream very loudly in class "Looks like someone got stood up 7 TIMES!"

Go up to the current DADA teacher and punch them clear across the face. Tell Dumbledore that Snape Imperio'd you into doing it.

Every time Snape yells at someone, shove a bezoar down his throat. Tell him that you don't believe he's really that mean and that he must've been poisoned.

Give him a candy that causes people to choke. Once he starts, shove a bezoar down his throat, causing him to choke more. When asked why, tell him he was being poisoned. When he says he wasn't, say "Well you should be!"

Lock him in a closet before class starts. After about 10 minutes, unlock the door from the other side of the room. When he walks out, say "Professor, I'm so glad you've finally come out of the closet.

Tell him that Lucy is now being referred to as "Luscious" Laugh when he calls him Luscious.

Decorate the dungeons with gold and crimson decorations and invite the entire Gryffindor house to a party, courtesy of everyone's favorite potions teacher.

Ask him if he's going for the Bert McKraken look in the video for "I Caught Fire". When he asks who that is, tell him he's a widely respected figure in the muggle world. Then laugh hysterically.

Mock the way he enunciates every word with a very feminine voice.

Give him a crown that says "Half-blood Princess" Insist that the two extra S's stand for Salazar Slytherin.

Glue a sombrero on his head (So it won't "fall" off) and charm him into dancing the salsa. Offer him a burrito.

Give him side-swept bangs and insist that it's all the rage among Death Eaters.

Dance around singing "Your dad was a muggle! Your dad was a muggle!"

Convince him to have a contest of bravery among houses. Tell him you'll take care of recruits. When the day comes, bring large numbers of Hufflepuff first years, and make sure no one else comes.

When he's asleep, color red lines on his wrist in sharp pen. When you see him the next day, scream "Oh my god! You're emo! That explains the hair…."

Come within an inch of his face. When he blinks shout "YOU LOSE SUCKAH!"

Tell him you have a very important message. Get very close to his ear, without actually touching his hair and whisper "Can I borrow some." The scream at the top of your lungs "SHOELACES?!"

Give him a small calico kitten. Tell him when he is about to go off on a Death Eater raid "Bring Snookums! She'll protect you!"

Ask him why Harry had to spend "Private time" with him in fifth year.

Ask him "Professor, when's Halloween?" When he asks why, tell him "Because I wanted to know why you were wearing such a scary mask if it's not Halloween. I was making sure you knew it wasn't today.

Ask him why he abandoned his baby sister. When he asks "what sister?" say "You know. Samara, from The Ring. You two could be twins."

Sing him the Barney Song "I love you, you love me, we're a great big family! With a great big hug" Hug him "And a kiss from me to you" Keep your grip tight so he can't run away "Won't you say you love me too?" And then Imperio him into saying he loves you too.

Cover yourself in an invisibility cloak and walk into his office. Knock things off the shelves and when he puts them back on scream "You dare defy the Dark Lord!"

Install speakers all over his room and when ever he corrects someone play "his new theme song, Barbie Girl"

Bleach his hair in stripes.

Put an "Avada Kedavra me" sign on the back of his death eater robes.

Ask him how long his you-know-what is. When he gets angry, tell him you meant his wand.

Ask him if he's ever thought about getting another tattoo of a Cornish Pixie on his other arm.

Follow him around telling him it's time to take his hemorrhoids medicine. Then ask him why it's not called assteroids, and the things that come in through the hemisphere are called asteroids.

Slap him across the face and say "You said you loved me!" Than apparate far away.

Start a rumor that he is a child molester and that his first victim is Draco Malfoy. That's why he's been giving him all the good grades!

Every time he is denied the DADA job, walk past him, loudly talking about how good the new teacher is and how he/she makes Potions seem twice as boring.

A week before a Hogsmeade visit, ask him to go to Honeydukes with you. Don't stop until he says yes. When he does, say in a very monotone voice "I'll take you to the Candy shop. I'll let you lick the Lollipop. Keep going GIRL and don't you stop. Keep going till you hit the spot. WOAH!"

Be a very cheery alarm clock. Sing Iron Butterfly.

Give him puking pasties before a meeting with Dumbledore and tell him they have calming purposes.

When walking past him in the hallways, whisper to someone, loud enough for him to hear, "Don't look him in the eyes! He'll turn you to stone!"

Teach him to "Pop-Lock-and-Drop-It".

Draw a dark mark on your arm with Sharpie. Tell him he should get one because they're all the rage and anyone who is even _slightly _creepy is getting one, so he_ more_ than qualifies.

Apparate in front of him whenever possible. Each time say "It's a small word, ain't it, Snapeward?" And disapparate.

Tell him you stole his Penny Pee-pee doll and you won't give it back until he washes his hair.

Force him to become head Gryffindor cheerleader. Dye his Pom-poms pink.

Tell him you've killed Draco, and since he broke his unbreakable vow, he's going to die any moment.

Tie him to a chair, duct tape his eyes open, and make him watch Potter Puppet Pals.

Whenever he's being "a meanie" scream "10 points from Slytherin!"

Get him to tell a joke that's not funny, and when he does, tell him that it's not funny.

Ask him if his middle name is Lily, after his mother, or James, after his father. Then blush and say "Sorry, I thought you were Harry. My bad!" And then run away.

Walk in front of him, spreading rose petals in his path, and hum "Here comes the bride".

Hide your face behind your hands all class. When he tells you to put them down, don't. Make sure he comes to you and then pop up and say "Peek-a-boo!"

Get a tattoo that says "Snapeward" inside a heart and insist that it has nothing to do with him.

Slip a golden liquid in his Pumpkin juice and tell him it's Felix Felicis. Tell him that if he jumps out the astronomy tower, he won't die.

Ask him what his Amortentia smells like.

Force him to write down every girl he's ever asked out, and their exact reaction. Put it in Dumbledore's speech the next night at dinner.

Walk up to him at dinner and start asking about the homework. When he starts explaining, throw a huge glob of mashed potatoes at him.

Ask him to go over the assignment during class. When he's leaning over to read it, put your wand between his eyes and shout "Lumos!"

Get your potion horribly wrong. When he makes fun of you, ask if that deserves a detention. If he says no, throw the cauldron at him and ask if that deserves a detention. Smile like a patient in a psychiatric hospital.

Force him to watch Moulin Rouge and ask him if he likes what Nicole Kidman is wearing at various points in the movie.

Run up to him in the halls with several females and take pictures with him as if you're in a photo booth at the mall.

Hide in his office and giggle until he finds yu.

Ask him if your house can have a thousand points if you leave him alone. When he says no, start crying and mumble about insensitivity.

Sit him down and try to talk about his "feelings". Particularly his feelings on being bossed around by someone with better hair.

Get 5 pretty boys to walk into Potions and sing an N'SYNC song.

Order a subscription for J-14 addressed to him.

Replace all of his robes with J-Lo jeans and hot pink tube tops.

Charm all his teaching books so that whenever anyone else reads them, they're the regular books, but when he reads them, they're Snape/Harry fanfiction stories.

Don't hand in any homework all year, and on the last day of school, hand in the entire year's worth of homework, along with a note on the front saying "Call me over the summer, you sexy grease ball you".

Tell him a joke "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You know." "You know who?" "HA! YOU SAID YOU KNOW WHO!"

Go on and make an account for him. "Sexy snake looking for platinum blonde teenage Slytherin death eater." And wait until someone responds. I think you know who it might be.

Prank call him saying "I'm looking for a Mr. Iwanna Mantaluv" and wait until he asks the room for someone by that name.

Get him to play twister with you. Tell him to be careful not to cheat by dripping grease to make thee floor slippery or you'll disqualify him.

Ask him which is more manly, killing an old man who is already lethally weakened, or attempting to kill an invisible teenage boy.

Ask him if anyone ever asks for his autograph. When he asks why anyone would, tell him that Snapeward is everyone's favorite character on Spongebob Squarepants.

Ask him how many times he's been laid. If he lies, make him tell the truth. When he does, say "Do you want someone to?" And wink.

Ask him if a house ever landed on his sister.

Follow him everywhere and when he asks what you're doing, ask him Are you a psychic stalker? You predict where I'm going to be and then go there first?"

Follow him everywhere saying "Are we there yet?" Every few seconds.

Every time he assigns homework, throw a potion bottle at him and yell "Boo!"

During a test, tell him you've run out of ink. When he gives you a new bottle, throw it at him.

Accuse him of being a Death Eater in front of Dumbledore. When he speaks ill of Voldemort and says he's on the good side, tell him that Voldemort is right behind him. Watch him turn around in fear and laugh.

Send him Christmas cards all year 'round. Make sure they're the stupidest pictures you can find. Act insulted when he doesn't put them on his desk.

Put his hair in very high pigtail braids

Be a Gryffindor.


End file.
